The article last week was a runaway success and it engaged over many readers. There were many online comments and emails debating and discussing the topic: ‘Why you should text drive your partner before marriage’.
On analysis, the people who wrote in would be single, married, separated, divorced or widowed. Of the single people, some would be virgins and the majority would be sexually active (engaging in premarital sex, of course!). Of the married people who commented, some would have married without engaging in premarital sex. It would be nice to get their opinions. The remainder would have engaged in premarital sex before marriage. It would be great to conduct a survey to find the hypocrite among these. We did!
Anyway, this article is focused entirely on women and will show you exactly how to put men through a test drive before marriage. Obviously, women and men see things through different prisms. Women should realize that what they want and what a man wants are two very different things. Simply put, most men just want sex, regular sex, without necessarily paying cash for it! Responsible men will try to cope with the result of their particular choice: be it marriage or a pregnancy (whichever comes first). An irresponsible man will look for an excuse!
Finally, our previous dalliances, experiences, family and religion color what we do and how we approach the issue of relationships. Some rely on their family or friends to choose a partner for them while some listen to the pastor! However, if you have a mind of your own and are responsible for your hearts’ desires, please read on.
Let me also make a clarification: This article is for women of marrying age (above 18 years of age) who are looking for or have found the right man. If you have the man of your dreams in your sights, then you should definitely test drive him through these stages.
The initial stage
Physical attraction is important and is perhaps the first thing in the start of a relationship. If you are not attracted to him, this may cause problems later.
You need to also evaluate whether he is fun and makes you laugh. Is the man of your dream good company or just an ass? Is he mental, aggressive, clingy and immature? Do you have similar interests and common goals? Can you spend a whole day in his company and not be bored to death? If you do not like him that much, leave him by the roadside.
The second stage
Evaluate where he is coming from and where he is going? What are his values? What are his dreams and aspirations? Is he describing the kind of life you want for yourself and your future family? What type of man is he? Is he a liar, unserious and cannot be trusted with your friends? A friend of mine was always farting in public. His girlfriend could not tolerate this. They still got married regardless but the farting, snoring and of course, other disrespectful behavior eventually destroyed the marriage: after 3 children!
You now also need to define what you want from the relationship. Is marriage an investment? Do you want the so called mysterious happiness, emotional and financial security and that ephemeral love? Can he provide these for you and the family? Is he doing that right now? Are you employed and he is not? If he is always asking you for money and is not pulling his weight, he may be a dud after marriage. Is he rich and famous? Could you afford to get lost in his shadow or do you want a life of your own? Can you stand on your own? Would he be able to live with a successful wife? Can he live in your shadow?
The third stage
How old is he exactly? Is he in good health? Are there any medical issues that you should know about? Are there any family genetic diseases such as sickle cell disease or other rare killers? Be sure to ask and talk to his friends and family openly.
What about his HIV or Hepatitis status? Have you asked and checked? You should, before moving things further.
Now, the good stuff
We conducted a survey here in Nigeria to determine attitudes towards premarital sex. We asked 100 consecutive unselected adults and the following is the result of the survey.
What is your age? Our respondents were aged 20 to 40 years.
Are you male or female? 52% were males
Are you single, separated, divorced, married or widowed? Most were single: 78% and 20% were married and a tiny number divorced.
If single, are you sexually active? Of the single people, 50% are sexually active
If divorced, widowed or married, did you engage in premarital sex? 60% engaged in premarital sex.
What is your view on premarital sex: Okay or not okay? 48% said it was not okay, 32% said it was okay and 20% did not commit either way. Interestingly, a few married individuals who had engaged in premarital sex and some sexually active single persons felt it was wrong!
Well, information is power and you have a choice.